Monday, August 15, 2011

A diversion.

Do you wake up in the morning thinking if your day on this earth ends today and you're not ready for it?

Everyday, I wake up with a terrible  fear if I won't be able to repent and do good deeds for another day.
Everyday, I wake up being very afraid if I won't be granted Allah's blessing to enter paradise. 

...and cry all my heart out before I can start my day.

Because I will never know if it'll be my last. 
Going to bed every-night is a different story; if I never gonna wake up the next day.

A sister suddenly had this saying on her Facebook status,

"berbantallah dengan kematian bila kamu tidur dan jadikanlah kematian itu di depan matamu apabila kamu bangun"- by Uwais Al-Qarni

What a coincident eh?
Every time I'm out on a trip, I'll tell my mother, "If it's time for me to go, let me go, and I'll see you on the other side, InsyaAllah". That's how much I think about death. 

Be real.
Life is not even yours to even begin with.

No one. No living things on this earth can escape death. 

Even our beloved, Rasulullah s.a.w had a painful death. What makes you think you can escape it? Of all people in this world, he should have been given an easy death.(unless you die as a shahid which you'll only feel a pain nothing more than a pinch) But no, sakratul maut (terror of death) is there for everyone. 

Every second of the day I try to hide my fears, my uneasiness, my tears. Some people can just read me through, MasyaAllah. Some people just judge me by what they see of me, yet no one knows. You think you know it all. Even to those who think that I've told them, all about me. yet no one knows. 

I woke up still holding my Al-Mathurat open, as the plane was shaking hard nearly 40,000 feet in the air. It feels like forever. 

"Is this it? Is this it?"

Life's different when you think about death all the time. There's no point to hold on to the pain of the pasts, and the  uncertainties of the future. 

Last week, me and my mom were talking about the guy (a student who's studying in Japan) that was found dead in Pattaya. I heard the news in Twitter when a senior of mine said, "The guy who died in Pattaya is actually my junior". 

and that was it. 

just another news, 

of someone's death.

Imagine, if that was me. My time was up. I wonder if people around me would just see it as a piece of news that will only last in their mind for less than a minute. 

I don't think so, maybe.

When I heard of that news, I was thinking of how long do I still have? At least, when his time was up, he wouldn't be doing sins anymore ; if he were to live for another 20years. The longer I have, the more chance for me do good deeds, but at the same time; more sins, and I wonder if I have enough time to repent. 

Astaghfirullah al azim.   
Astaghfirullah al azim. 

Hell is for forever. For eternity. Bare with this world for a while, because home isn't here to those who believe in the Oneness of Allah. 

[Alhamdulillah, traveling has taught me a lot. I realized that I've never really feel belong even though I am back in Malaysia. I am back, but I don't want to settle down in comfort. I'd rather not. I need to be challenged by life.  This is the path that I've chosen, yet anything can happen that none of us is bound to know.] 

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