Sunday, December 29, 2013

Testimony of Faith (Umrah Ziarah Madinah 1)


It was a rather calm, 2:30am airport with all sorts of men wearing their ihram in white.

I see creepy people everywhere. I cringed. 

But in an instance, my mom's word of wisdom came slapping me.

"They believe in Allah, just like you." 


Seriously, I could swear there's this lady that exactly looks like the old witch in Snow White. =_="


Soon after that when I realized I couldn't find my envelope that contained SR1500 (= around RM1450). Nope, not found until now. Took out 400 riyal from mom's Al-Rajhi bank account and one of us get 100 each instead. Better than not having any.

To my amazement, 1.5 litre of water cost about 10riyal.. or maybe because I bought it in the middle of nowhere on our way to Madinah from Jeddah. Nearly 6 hours of bus ride reminded me of my bus trip from Los Angeles to Arizona when I travelled to The States about 2 years ago. Long desert road, with sun shining straight inside the bus, but bone chilling air as soon as you step out. 

Yes, I slept all the way. It was much more comfortable than the 6 hours flight from Dhaka, Bangladesh to Jeddah. Seriously.

Don't fly your own airline next time, United Airway. No wonder MAS always wins the best hospitality award. Though we should be thankful that both gets us where we want to go. *^^* astaghfirullah. 


We're staying at this place called Elyas where we share a room of 4 people and they provide us with breakfast, lunch, and dinner Alhamdulillah. The catering guy is an Indonesian and he said he's been here for about 3 years now. He's pretty much amazed that I'm a 25 years old and still not married. Lol. I told him I'm busy working as orang minyak, and he said, "Petamina??". Iya ngak lah. Hehe

Masjid Al-Nabawi

Since we arrived on a Friday, the guys went for solat Jumaat, which I think I should have followed them. The thing was, I have no idea where to go. Where's the masjid?? I couldn't find any map anywhere and the place was basically stranded since all the men left for prayers. 

By the sound of the adzan, it should be on the left side of the hotel. Little did I know that Masjid Nabawi is a super huge long stretch of a masjid, and I was facing the opposite side looking for it. As soon as turn to my right, I was awed by how magnificently beautiful the masjid is. MasyaAllah... =,)

They had the giant umbrella opened at that time after Zohor, and the sun rays was piercing through the gaps between them and people were sitting around at the courtyard outside of the masjid enjoying the cool breeze in the middle of the desert.

My first impression was, this place is extremely beautiful and CLEAN!

The cleaning ladies work non-stop since I was there at 1pm until 11pm. They vacuumed, mopped, took rounds of picking up small rubbish here and there, wiped the doors, sanitized the ablution area with Dettol! and of course, the toilets are super clean thanks to them. They kept the drinking area dry and top-up new zam-zam water with new cups. Word of the day should be CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN.

Even the men was wiping the gates when I exited the masjid. 

Oh. Most of the workers are Indonesian by the way. I salute them much for such a dedication to preserve the Prophet's Masjid. He was the best role model for cleanliness and they sure made him proud.


When they said you can't bring in handphones inside the Masjid, I guess it's not true.

Handphones are everywhere. They'll have your bag checked, but that's it. Don't go around taking photos like a tourist though. You're there to make your prayers and do'a.

Keep them in silent mode. That should be easy, but talk outside if you have to use them. Especially when you're talking in a foreign language, it's really annoying (at least to me, or I'll try to think that you're having a life-family crisis and I'll sympathize with you).=P

Solat Janazah

After each prayers, they'll have Solat Jenazah for those who passed away near the masjid. I was pretty much puzzled at first since they only did 4 takbir with one salam. Haha. Noob. I don't even memorize the Doa for that prayer, so I ended up only doing the takbir and salawat after the first takbir. 
It felt awkward. -_-, many I see didn't know that you only give a Salam once to your right. Not to your left. An Arabic lady told me that when she saw me giving Salam to my left. Ahaha. She also mentioned that you get a space of Jabr Uhud everytime you pray for the janazah.
Imagine to be doing it 5 times a day in Madinah!


The visiting time to Raudah for the ladies is after Zohor and after Isyak. I didn't know that until I walked back all the way to the lodging place, and the rest of the group asked me if I wanted to go. I was exhausted but I couldn't get into my room since I don't have the keys. I had no choice but to follow. Haha. No lah.

It seems like there's 3 stages of waiting ( this only applies to the women since the men can visit Raudhah 24 hours round).

1. Before entering the masjid.
2. Before entering Raudhah.
3. Inside Raudhah itself.

I thought I was already in Raudhah when I reached the middle entrance of the masjid. I was like, "Hey, I can even read Yasin and no one is stepping on my head. I guess some people need to plan their time to enter this place,". Man, I was wrong. After an hour or so, I decided to leave when I saw a huge crowd of 200-300 people gathering at another entrance which soon I realized, was the REAL RAUDHAH. That is where the start of the pushing war begun. 

There was a pool of Indonesian group sitting patiently waiting for their turn, and then came a wave of ladies in all black I believe to be a majority of non-Arabs swooshing the small ladies over and ran fanatically to the main entrance. Uh-oh. 

This is the stage 2 of waiting that I missed.

Once the previous group inside Raudhah is done, then they'll release this group from outside to pray inside the Raudhah. The thing is, people are pushing real hard and the Indonesians thought that I was one of them!! They told me to wait with them inside, at the back of the Raudhah, and let the others pray. The trick is to wait for them until they're done and quickly pick a spot right before they release another group from the outside. 

Ouch. That wasn't easy either.

You know why? Because everyone wants to pray on the GREEN CARPET. That is the "it" place to pray and the green area can only fit less than 10 saf, like a small surau. 300 people coming in at once and you think you can pray without anyone bumping into you, stepping on your head, or finding yourself inside someone else's clothes, think again. I had to pray twice because I couldn't do my last sujud since there's this lady who stand right in front of me and someone behind me is already stepping on my clothes. I WAS STUCK. 

I had to break my prayer, and leave for a spot right behind a guard stool near a small wall. I managed to get my 2 rakaats done, and before I got up from my extra sujud, someone sat on my head. I can't believe one day some stranger would be SITTING ON MY HEAD. 

Haha. Ouh well. I'm content on my own terms. 

InsyaAllah I'll visit Raudhah again, and try not having anyone step or sit on me. 

That was a whole first day. InsyaAllah I'll update more soon. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Snorkeling in Perhentian

Assalamualaikum everyone!

I had a wonderful raya weekend though I didn't go back to KL to continue the celebration with my family. 

Since a really really good friend is leaving for KL for a transfer, they've decided to have a get-away trip to Perhentian. The last time I went there was in July 2011 with a Korean lady I met on the bus on my way back home from the airport. (Before Perhentian + In Perhentian post)

Paid RM250 for return transportation Kerteh-Besut with my car, boat Perhentian-Jeti Besut (around RM70), one night stay in Ombak (room of 4, or 2), breakfast at Ombak, Snorkeling trip by Ombak (RM35 like that), and underwater camera rent (RM100 per group if I'm not mistaken). All in all, it was worth it!

This time, since we're already in Terengganu, we had to drive from Kerteh the night before at around 9:30pm and stayed overnight in Kuala Terengganu at another friend's family place. While another group departs from Kerteh at 3:00am the next morning to catch the boat from Jeti Besut at 9:00am.

On Friday, we woke up at 5:00am and went to pray Subuh at the nearby Masjid on the way to Besut. I was shocked to see that the huge Masjid's parking spot was nearly full!

There were about 90 ladies there with 6 saf, what more the men?

Since we have to catch the boat, we used the highway to the Jeti Pulau Perhentian in Besut. Drove so fast, thank goodness it was really in the morning and there were no cars on the road. Just probably few along the way.

Had nasi lemak (a must!) before departing, and make sure to get a big bottle or two of mineral water at the Jeti Besut. Since we went to the small island, there's not many shops there and a bottle could cost you triple the price.

We were told that the boat should only fit 13 passengers, and their names should be listed properly and signed by the officer at the exit. 

I guess not.

The driver 'singgah' somewhere and picked another 4-5 locals, and went to the other end of the jeti to pick up 3 more of our friends who did not make it in the "13 list". 

The boat was definitely too fast as if it was about to fly off, and the non-13 list passengers did not have their life vest on. So much for HSE (Health, Safety and Environment).

Oh well, we survived the 30+ mins boat ride to the island and went to Ombak Chalet. 

Since check-in is at 3pm, we changed, and went straight for snorkeling.

It was a tremendously amazing!! Enjoyed it so much!!

It took me 2 years to go do it again, and now I just can't wait another 2 months to go to Redang in October!  

The last time I went, I can only float, and I panicked because a lot of sea water got into my googles and I couldn't see much.

This time around, thanks to that weekly swimming session in KGRP (Kelab Golf Rantau Petronas) in front of my office, I could actually swim and dive into the sea without any equipments (though I hold on to my life-vest just incase the tide gets stronger which it did and I had to hold on to my friends who was wearing them). Plus, the googles Ombak provided us was simply tip-top quality.

Went straight down to the turtle (penyu) on the sea-bed and almost die of pressure and loss of breath. Haha. 

Too bad the photographer pressed "OFF" instead of the shooting button, and I was too tired to go back into the sea-bed for another photo. (It will be my own story of failure and I will remember you Mr. Turtle. When I come back again, I promise I'd hold my breath for at least 1 minute. I'll practice okay? ;) At least I managed to get a photo when Mr. Turtle went up for air. Good enough I guess. 

Lot's of success story this time around.

I was super close to a huge leopard-skin eel, and the sharks! 

I only swam around the tower last time. Though I had a great time playing around feeding the fishes, I thought I must give it a go. A jump.

This time around. I must.

I am scared of heights, my heart was going to explode and even though they've counted until 3 and I was ready to jump, I just went back in and sat on the cliff. 

"Impossible. This is too scary"

"But wait. Going down by the stairs is much more 'memalukan', I rather jump"

I cursed. I did.

So, I finally jumped. 

"Hey, that was FUN!!"

I went back for another jump. Hahaha. Oh Nadiah... ^^"

So that was rather a short story from my snorkeling experience and I'm glad I overcome all my fears this time. 

Not in my life I've jump from that height, swim that deep below, and kept my breath that long.

I guess every trip will change you somehow. 

To be honest, I was not close with this group of people that I went with. Some I never talked to, never knew their names, and those that I was really scared of because they had a creepy look in their eyes like they're going to eat me alive. (The girl that were supposed to go for us to celebrate had to cancel last minute). I thought that I'd be going for my worst get-away ever.

Now I see them in the office, I'd be like, "Hey dude!! Hey womaaaannn!!" making daily-life at the office means so much more knowing how crazy we've become with each other.

Ah.. I'm blessed.

*Oh, the last time I said that aboutmy new founded awesome-office-mate-friend, we had a 3rd World War for nearly 4 months. har-har. 

More photos of the trip can be seen here (Facebook Album).

Signing out with love for everyone. 

Selamat Hari Raya. 

Assalamualaikum. <3 font="">

*Oh hey. I haven't told you how my Raya went. XD 
We'll see la when I'm rajin kayh. We literally had a *blast*.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The best saying I've ever came across on a bad day.

"If that day comes [when] a clash is apparent between your personal interests and economic activities on the one hand, and my Islamic work on the other, and that I find my married life is standing in the way of Da'wah and the establishment of an Islamic state, then, each of us should go our own way. 
I cannot ask you today to share with me this struggle, but it is my right on you not to stop me from jihad in the way of Allah. Moreover, you should not ask me about my activities with other Mujahideen, and let trust be full between us. 
A full trust between a man and a woman, a woman who, at the age of 18, gave her full life to Allah and Da'wah. 
In the event of any clash between the marriage contract's interest and that of Da'wah, our marriage will end, but Da'wah will always remain rooted in me."

- (Zainab al Ghazali, 2006)

Zainab Al Ghazali was not any usual Muslim leader who was famous for her motto, strategy or any other peculiar perspective. No! Actually, she belongs to the Islamic world in a greater dimension.
Zainab Al Ghazali was that Mujahidah of Ummah who was bestowed by Allah the vision of Prophet Muhammad (Salallah Allihi Wasalam) four times in dream and was offered the blessings by the prophet.
It was Zainab Al Ghazali who challenged the Pharaoh of twentieth century and started
Dawah of Islam and its Shariah by summing all her courage and dedication and inturn got the severe heartrending and tremendous tortures from suppressors but the point of mention will remain that suchtortures did not hamper her from keeping the missionary thought, expression, stand and the work and she continued Haqooqulah (duties towards people) as well as the Haqooqul Ibad (duties of worship). For her exemplary devotion and tolerance she would be remembered till doomsday.
The service she has done to Islam cannot be described under any single title only. Herself, shewas not a fellow but a great Islamic Movement. It is very unfortunate that our youngsters have forgotten their predecessors of Islam. To do justice with the contributions of this great Mujahidah a comprehensive book is needed.


"Hari -hari Dalam Hidupku" in Malay and "Return of The Pharaoh" in English.
 Born on Jan, 2, 1917, in Egyptian village Manyate Umer, her father was a farmer and a religious person, who died when Zainab was only 11. But the guidance and fatherhood of her father hadleft deep and nonperishable impacts on Zainab. The translator of the book Khalil Ahmad Hamidi, in the preface of the book, reveals that Zainab had herself narrated that how her father would tellher the tales and events of the great Islamic women (Sahaabiyat) in an impact making manner. In the agro society, in the lap of the families with values, religious traditions and with impact fromthe spiritual guidance of her father, Zainab entered the field of maturity and understanding at the age of 18. In 1938 she founded Jameyate Sayedate Muslimaat, an organization of the Muslimwomen. For the features, activities and the strategy of this organization she chose Hazrate Nusaibah (RA) as her ideal.

You can read the rest from here.
InsyaAllah I'm going to finish the book by this weekend. Though there's open houses, sisters walimah, sisters gathering, I found myself stuck in a situation where I can't say NO.
InsyaAllah I'll make the best out of it.
InsyaAllah, He'll take care of me like He did for Zainab.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Ramadhan Twist.

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Sudah 20 hari Ramadhan berlalu. Sekejap sangat rasanya. Pejam celik. Pejam celik.

Puasa di perantaun.

Kalau selama dekat 6 tahun di Jepun merasai suasana Ramadhan yang biasanya hanya dirasakan ketika bertapak ke Masjid Otsuka / Jami di Tokyo dengan rutin iftar, iktikaf, kelas, iftar, iktikaf, kelas, tahun pertama di Kerteh ini terasa semangat yang suam-suam luar biasa.

Kalau dulu, kita seorang yang puasa.
Tapi sekarang, masih terasa juga seperti kita seorang yang puasa walaupun memangla tak nampak orang makan. Semangat 'puasa' tak ada. Atau orang berpuasa di sini memang tak ada semangat?

Kalau dulu, walaupun berbuka lebih awal atau lebih lambat, lapar dan dahaga masih terasa, tapi sedar - sedar dah nak maghrib. Solat, baru cari makanan berat. Tak sempat nak merungut lapar.
Tapi sekarang, pukul 11 pagi ada yang dah ucap "Selamat Berbuka Puasa". Agenda pukul 12, "Buka puasa nak makan apa? Makan di mana?".

Kalau dulu, rakan-rakan batch berebut nak belanja berbuka.
Tapi sekarang, masing-masing ke bazaar mencari makanan berbuka sendiri.

Kalau dulu, berebut - rebut memenuhkan tong derma untuk Palestine. Derma program. Derma anak.
Tapi sekarang, berminggu - minggu sudah berlalu, tong derma masih kosong, pamphlete derma tak berkurang walau sekeping.

Surau bergelimpangan dengan orang tidur. Tak apa. Saya pun tidur. Tapi tak pernah nampak lagi orang bertilawah kalau bukan sekali. Mungkin semalaman mereka berjaga, ber-qiam.

Situasi ini hanyalah secara general dikalangan masyarakat setempat.
Mungkin ramai yang membuat kebaikan diam - diam ubi.
Lebih baik. Lebih baik.

Kenapa ya? Apa sebenarnya suasana Ramadhan yang di cari sebenarnya?

Biah solehah di kalangan penggerak dakwah.

Bila housemate sejak dari malam pertama Ramadhan dah semangat bertilawah mengejar dua kali khatam, kita yang tak pernah berjaya saban tahun ni rasa ada la peluang walau sekali.

Tak pernah lagi tinggal, sehari satu juzuk.

Setiap masa fikir. Bila boleh curi masa di siang hari nak habiskan satu juzuk? Semasa menunggu waktu solat? Tunggu orang datang meeting? Tunggu waktu pulang? Semasa tumpang kereta orang ? Kepala sentiasa sibuk mencari jalan.

Lepas kerja bergegas ke rumah Kak Ju, menempel tolong - tolong membuat kuih raya walaupun selalunya tak sempat nak tolong sebab sampai - sampai, dah proses mengemas. =3

Bila makcik - makcik usrah rajin mengajak sama-sama berbuka di rumah mereka, surau pun ada buat iftar (buka puasa), tak ter pergi bazaar ramadhan yang belambak - lambak di rumah.

Sehingga sekarang, baru masak sekali di rumah. Untuk semua orang makan.

Banyak aktiviti - aktiviti setiap hujung minggu Ramadhan. Gotong - royong, program 3R untuk remaja, Palestine talk. majlis dengan orang - orang miskin tempatan. Sentiasa sibuk dan menyibukkan diri. Ada saja Iftar Perdana di sana sini. Tak terkejar kalendar 30 hari membuat kebajikan. Oi! Sempat ke?

Saki-baki Ramadhan

Betul ke saki baki? atau final stage sebelum kita boleh raikan kejayaan menawan hawa nafsu dan shahwat?

Berjaya khatam 30 juzuk kalau 30 juzuk itulah yang kita sasarkan?

Berjaya hafal 4 surah baru kalau itu target yang nak dicapai?

Kering poket kita pada tabung - tabung atau pada cashier semata - mata untuk keperluan perut dan badan sendiri ?

Jom jadi manusia yang tamakkan pahala dan redha Allah. Tak pernah merasa cukup, berlumba - lumba nak buat baik.

"Kun mutamayyizan fi syahril mutamayyiz!”
Jadilah kamu seorang yg ISTIMEWA di dlm bulan yg penuh dgn keistimewaan

JOM!lah cari Lailatul Qadr. JOM!lah untuk 10 hari sahaja lagi. Bangun!lah dari tidur yang lena.

Kepada teman - teman yang pernah berkata,

"Alah, solat sunat je pun. Bukan wajib!"

Cuba tanya diri tu balik,

"Eh, rasa macam diri ni dah confirm jadi ahli syurga ke?"

Kalau anda yakin. Teruskan duduk anda yang kadang selesa, kadang tersesak dada itu.

selamat bermunajat wahai para sahabat yang cintakan keredhaan Allah.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

A Different Holiday.


What does a two-weeks school holiday means to a still-single-25-year-old career woman living with a bunch of school teachers?

and more work at the office.


Because most of everyone else will take leave to spend time with their kids jalan-jalan makan angin.

Though 3 of my little sisters were here last week, and I had to be a single-mother, junggling kids and work, it was one *hell of an interesting experience.

I became super efficient doing my work knowing I have to leave for lunch early to get food for the kids and get home at least before 5:30pm to bring them to the beach (though I managed to get off only at about 6pm). I managed to clear more than 10 pending jobs in a couple of days (a record breaking for Nadiah! haha)

I look forward to going home for the first time in months.

I cook more dishes I never knew I could.

I eat a complete meal, 3 times a day.

I was constantly doing the laundry, day-and-night since someone peed in bed.

I was physically tired, but they kept me going.

It was fun, going to the beach and play with the sands.

I guessed.. having kids isn't that bad after all.

Few days passed by,

I realized I couldn't take it anymore. I needed support. mental support. It was really hard to get by another day being a single mother. It striked me. How's my mother doing with all these kids at home.

I needed someone to tell me that things will be alright (almost had a breakdown).

I knew where I had to go.


So, that's my school holiday experience. Now that no one's at home (in Kerteh), I'd rather stay in the office till late, 10 than stay at home on my own. -_-"


Saturday, May 11, 2013



Another weekend spent in Kuala Lumpur.

I'm actually on my way back to Kerteh now. I go back to KL almost every weekend, which I can justify that tengok muka mak dapat pahala and the amount of money spent on the road is well spent. RM200+ for a retun trip if I'm driving alone, and RM70 (return) if I take the bus.

I've tried asking around if I can carpool with anyone who goes back to KL that weekend, though every time I ask someone their answer is always the same, "Ramai je orang balik KL". There's someone, but don't know who. A four-hours trip should be spent with someone they know well enough to be on the journey together. When I finally found one, they'll say "kereta dah penuh", "balik esok kot..tengoklah", "cuba tanya orang lain dulu,".

I guess not yet then. InsyaAllah later on.

Why do I have to go back all the time?
Because I want to.

I'm the imported maid from the East Coast. Heh. I can know from the amount of laundry I made that weekend is a pile of 2 days or 2-weeks old laundry. So does the dishes, the mopping, the cleaning and the list goes on.

How I wish I can teleport from Kerteh to KL. Once I arrived home, I'd be sleeping/golek-golek-ing all day from the exhaustion of 5 days work and 4-5 hours traveling from Kerteh. Baru masuk Sabtu dah kena pack untuk balik Kerteh.

Can't you transfer to KL?
Give me a year.

Give me one complete PPA cycle to learn and prove myself here in operation. The work that I'm currently juggling right now is pretty much intense because I have so much to learn, yet I think that someone else can do some of the easy part (yet extremely time consuming) for me. I can pay another person a portion of my pay to get those clerical work done since it only requires you to be able to read english. Hoh.

Susun contract. Susun list. Check list. Keep track of list. Update list.


I really enjoy my work though. The people around me are lovely and nice too. Selalu rasa nak balik Kerteh though me family isn't there, and the long-distance relationship is teaches a lot on understanding other's feelings from afar. Blessed indeed.

Where to next? Wallahualam.
Looking forward to what Kerts have for me.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Too Familiar.


Another day in at work after nearly 4 months of working in Kerteh, Terengganu. I've been wanting to update, but my hands are tied to so many things lately. I shoudn't be.

I love what I'm doing. 'Cause everyday is a new process of learning yet I do feel like banging my head on the desk sometimes feeling clueless of the situation. I'm new, but I  know I must not make that as an excuse.

I did (or I still am) feeling like an outsider all the time. It felt too familiar to when I first arrived in Japan. I couldn't fit it. I smirk at every single thing that I'm against, and I de-attached myself from groups that I don't feel like mixing with.

Someone used to say that I'm really bad at pretending how I feel about things. If I hate it, I glows on my face saying "Ew. Just no" though from my mouth I say.. "sure thing".

I know things will get so much better.

Like how we bond like mad, me and my Japan buddies up until now, 7 years later. After mountains of hardship and drama of I-hate-you-it's-all-your-fault and why-must-you-be-a-b***h situation, I guess the rope that we hold on to got tighter.

Should be alright.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

"Handsome tak?"

Me; "Babe, I have a friend nak recommend kat you,"

Friend; "Hensem tak? Tunjuk gambar plis."

    I can't say that I've found the man of my life. At least not officially yet. But when I found that man, his looks was not the reason why I said yes. (Or, was it my "conditional yes"...?)

   The conversation above applies to almost all my single girlfriends I have out there. Don't tell me things like, "Sebab tu la diorang masih single" and what not. Maybe they're just taking chances, for having themselves heartbroken for a number of times. To them, if they're gonna go for it again, why don't go for a pretty face instead, since getting dumped for another girl would be a really tragic life experience.

  It's not who to blame, but what has become of us being so afraid to take real-life chances.

  The moment they ask, "is he a good-looking guy?", I know they're not in it for the long-term. Maybe they eventually will, we don't know yet.. but most aren't when they ask such. They'll give it a try, if it's a face worth crying over for.


Love, doesn't come to you on it's own. A man will.

That man will show you the meaning of being brave, responsible of taking those chances, and most of all, sacrifice for commitments.

Whether he's a friend, a colleague, an acquaintance, or your neigbour,

life happens.

By then, you won't be bothered to ask, "Handsome tak?"

 Though you'd be saying, "I don't even love him," with doubt if you can ever live with him, never ever doubt Allah. He's the owner of all hearts. He gives us the feeling of love, and He can take them back whenever He wants to.

Ask from Allah for love.

Love will overcomes all those bumps in life, and of course, you'll be tested again,

"What you innit for?"

For that handsome face you used to adore?
For that heritage that you wanted so much?
For that status that gets you places?
For that romance that you found exciting?
For that manly attitude that got you falling in love? 

Or for the sake of the love you've asked from Allah, to please only Allah? or did you even ask from Him?

Humans change. We change. That man you love, will change.
He gets ugly and old, so do we.
He gets loveless, so do we.
He gets tired and boring, so do we.
and all those glitters might not be there anymore.

Can you live together with that? or, till death do us part? or was it "till jannah.." ?

  I might sound skeptical this time. Yes, I am. I might sound like I'm having a cold feet right now. Maybe I am. I just want to do things right, and I know it shouldn't be that complicated.

Ya Allah, do ease things for me, and for my girlfriends out there.

"Handsome tak?" won't get you started. At all.


Saturday, February 09, 2013

24 hours.


I know there's many who came by this page for past 48 hours.  I'll be sharing, insyaAllah as much as I can. One post couldn't fit it all. More to come.


After I moved to Kerteh in December, I haven't been back home in KL. The last time I saw ayah, was when I was admitted to the hospital during my training in Bangi (which I had in draft to be posted after the previous post). He came after I was diagnosed, and left right after I was warded.

The last time I saw him,

was.. when I was sick.

and ayah, came to visit, as a caring father.

 I know I shouldn't have regrets, but I had a terrible homesick last weekend and I was crying to my mom how much I want to just drive back to KL. CNY holiday was just around the corner, and I thought that I could just go back the weekend after.

 Wednesday (6th February) night was the first time I left office after Maghrib because of the new assigned workload. Excited to be heading back after work on Thursday, I went straight to Mesra Mall nearby to find myself in the bookstore, and saw children's book that reminds me of my sisters, when my phone vibrated..

"Mummy" CALLING.

The voice on the other side was my sister Nafhani (12 y/o), who immediately told me,

"Nadiah, ayah dah tak da.. ayah dah tak da.."
"Mami suruh balik sekarang jugak.. sekarang jugak!"

It felt like a deja-vu.

Why? Because I just heard those words less than 2 months ago before I left for Kerteh. My mom's father passed away in Kulim, Kedah and my aunty called to tell her that, the same way that my sister did. I remember my mom's reaction clearly in my mind.

As I walked out the book-store, I kept on muttering , "astaghfirullahaladzim..astaghfirullahaladzim..". I didn't cry. It was too unreal. It could just be a prank. But, it couldn't be. But, if it is true, then I guess the time has come for him. I tried calming myself down.  I called my aunties. They thought it was unreal too.

I called my best friend.

I started trembling. I was driving out of the mall, and talking on the phone when I realised that my fingers felt numb.

I told him to go straight to my house, because there were only my mom and the little girls at home. I know I couldn't talk to my mom just yet. I told my sister to call all the other brothers.

No. I had no idea what was going on at home.

Throughout my 10 minutes journey home, I didn't think of anything but to keep on my istighfar, until something came to my mind..

"Ayah didn't get to see her daughter get married,"

 I cried my heart out there and then. It definitely knocked me out of my senses. Tears running down my face like Niagra Falls, only to find that my house had a number of visitors who came for quran class.

 I told them I need to drive back, and soon after, my aunty called me telling me not to. The girls were supportive and everyone was comforting me. Some packed me sandwich and cook porridge for that they knew I've been having problems with my appetite lately. They arranged the bus ticket for me, and send me to the bus stop.  I took the 11pm bus from Kerteh that got me to Hentian Putra at about 4 a.m.

Two of my friends waited at the bus stop, after picking my twin brothers (17 y/o) from their boarding school all the way in Seremban at 1 a.m. My last brother, Nasuha (14 y/o) came in later at 5;30 am from Kelantan at the same bus stop. When we arrived at home, my sisters were sleeping on the floor and the others were sleeping on the couch.

All I see, was an empty mattress in the middle of the house.

My heart sunk. This might've been real. Stacks of "Tahlil & Surah Yasin" copies on the table, boxes of mineral waters, polystyrenes with Nasi Goreng..... they were too familiar. 

When I opened the bedroom door, my mom was sleeping on ayah's side of the bed.

The same sleeping position (she was hugging the long-pillow, which she never does because it has always been my dad's); with her tudung still on.


I didn't cry. 

I know have to be strong.

This will be a long journey; and the reality haven't hit me just yet.

The morning was filled with TV3's MHI showing the story about ayah's passing away. But the worst one was from Bernama Radio 24, because ayah always had morning sessions on the radio with them, and they felt a great impact of the loss. Mom sat right beside the radio, listening to the Djs talking about ayah and them having a doa read for him. She broke down immediately when they started playing Sudirman's "Salam Akhir". I had to tell her to get off the radio.

My friends accompanied me to the hospital the next morning, and we had to wait for the post-mortem that took about 2-3 hours. There were quite a number of people around. I recognised faces from my mom's office. I think they had a van from the ministry as well. Ayah's friends. Families from both sides. Akhwats from Majalah JOM, and medias.

I was moved to see them. It felt as if I'm in a great deal to have them visited me. I don't feel like I deserved it. Even Kak Lin came by with her kids, all the way from Bangi.

Waiting felt like forever.

I don't know how to react when people started to hug me and cried. I don't know if I should cry, but my tears were dropping down on its own. Even when the lady (K.Rina) from Bernama radio talked to me, I only talked to her about what happened. I wasn't really into the situation. Maybe I was trying hard to be strong.


Because my brothers look lost. All of them were. The first brother has been crying all night before I arrived. The second one stayed in the car. The third one sat with his friend. The twins and Nasuha just sat at the corner behind my mom. But the girls were running here and there with the other kids. My mom, obviously was in a great shock and looked liveless.

Until they brought ayah's body out to the "Bilik Mandi Mayat", I peeked into one of the doors, and saw ayah's head...

my heart ache. Reality was being too real.

All the boys were inside the room. I can see them faces, crying. Mom asked if I want to go in, but I'd rather go together with her.

They had ayah covered with kain batik.

Mom took the gayung, and pour the water onto his body; from head to toe. I was trembling hard when it was my turn. I cried. hard, once I touch ayah's body. I didn't see his face yet. We took turn, from me, to all of my siblings, to uncles, and 2 of ayah's friends.

Naim looked devastated, with tears.

Once they covered ayah with kain kapan, we were allowed to give ayah a kiss goodbye. Naim took the longest moment. If I could, I want to hug ayah and be embraced by him. I miss his warm hug the most. When I kissed ayah on both of his cheeks, his skin was really soft and cold. I can still remember that touch.  

Mom went out, and my aunties were calming her down. I came by and sat beside her. She started to hug me tight, and said, 

"Nak peluk ayah lagi... nak peluk tak nak lepas-lepas. Tak puas,"
"Mami rindu kat ayah.."

 My tears were unstoppable. 

 I said, "mami pegi la peluk lagi.."

I gave her my towel handkerchief, and she went back in.

Even Nafeesa was crying. Maybe because she saw my mom crying. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

PIPE #101 [Part 1/2]


Assalamualaikum guys,

While I'm writing this, I'm already at PLC, attending my second session of PIPE #102. ^^"

So earlier this year, my parents went to Kerteh after sending my little brother to Pasir Mas, Kelatan to continue his second year in Ma'had Al Manar. On their way back to KL, they came by to car pool together and bring my little car back to KL.

As the school starts, on the 2nd of January (which was the same day that I had to attend my PIPE), I had to do the things that my mom once did for me when I was in primary school. This.

Suka hati 

Penat sangat dah ni.. 

Two of my little sisters are attending SK Bukit Damansara for year 3 and 6 and Nafeesa will be going to SK Hartamas for kindergarten. I didn't sleep that night because I was busy writing names (almost wrote Nadiah Azli instead), and packing for 2-weeks class-and outdoor activities and I was freaking out not knowing whats "appropriate".

Ayah sent me to PLC (Petronas Leadership Centre) in Bangi, and I insisted that we have breakfast together. The last time we did that when I worked with him after I finished SPM in 2005. It has been THAT long! I was 'a bit' late, but I already checked in before leaving for breakfast. So, okay kot. ^^

Pandai jugak buah tak potong. Boleh tapau!

My beloved Loyalty family. President la kunun.. 
(Omar had to take over soon after that though..)

Turbo Tan is not in the picture because. you know why. ^^

Grooming class during the first night session. 

She actually asked us to guess who does that pair of eyes belongs to. We can't help but to laugh immediately after she showed us the full picture. *I really didn't mean to* We didn't expect it to be hers sebab serious lawa je. 

Boys to check their attire, and of course, table manners. 

 The night grooming session was interesting indeed. When you learn it formally, you'll realized that you were not that wrong after all. hoho...

During the first 5 days of PIPE, it was extremely exciting for me because I went there on my own, and yet EVERYONE was super nice and friendly (no time to be all alone pun), and I actually worked out and play sports. They have a variety of facilities, including a mini gym, ping-ping, FOUR squash court, badminton, volleyball, football, snooker, pool.. and the infamous, karaoke room. Yes, I went to all. Made bunch of friends, definitely an exciting experience.  

Mini Gymnasium


Karaoke Room, conquered by the boys! lol

Snooker Session!

As you can see, macam-macam bangsa ada kat PIPE ni. They're pretty much welcoming though I'm just stopping by.

How about the lessons?

I fail really bad at this. YES, this is one skill you need to acquire when you enter Petronas! haha.

Petronas products for sale. Eh, minyak atar? 

We had En. Megat and Encik Mat for our facilitators. I'm blessed to have other participants taking the classes full-heartedly and went all out for the presentations and sketches (for TV commercial purpose). They were absolutely memorable!

"Ramesh Is Here!!" LIVE TV SHOW!

 What happened on the 5th day of PIPE?

It was dramatic. I had to leave PIPE for 4 days... 

- to be continued..

Friday, January 18, 2013

Utsushie - うつし絵


[PV] Aragaki Yui - Utsushi E (japan) by waqwa

I've shared the lyrics of this song in TDH, but I guess I'll give the direct-translation as well, here. I love this song because of the really simple lyrics and it's deep meaning. It applies to everyone around you, friends-and-loved-ones regardless.

For the love of 日本語.
Tada ichiban chikaku ni iru
Just because I'm the closest to (him/her),

Sono hito ni aisaretakute
I want to be loved by that person

泣きたいのに 楽しいふりするのは
Nakitai no ni tanoshii furi suru no wa
Pretending to have fun even though I want to cry

Angai kantan na koto da ne
Is surprisingly easy

Kanashii no wa naretenai kara
I'm not used to being sad

Taisetsu na koto wo minai youni shiteta
So I tried not to see the important things

誰もかも 何もかも 失っても
Dare mo kamo nani mo kamo ushinatte mo
Even though I lose everyone and everything

君がいてくれたなら それだけで良かったのに
kimi ga ite kureta nara sore dake de yokatta no ni
If only you were with me, that would be enough

この世界で どうしていちばん愛しいものだけ
Kono sekai de doushite ichiban itoshii mono dake
Why is it in this world only the most beloved things

どうして手のひらを こぼれ落ちてゆくんだろう
Doushite te no hira wo kobore ochite yuku n darou
Why is it things keep falling out of the palm of my hand

Sunao na kimochi wo hanasenai
I can’t tell you my real feelings

Bukiyou na dare ka no tame ni
Because it’s embarrasing

涙や 体温や 笑顔は
Namida ya taion ya egao wa
Tears, warmth and smiles

kitto kono you niAru no kamoshirenai
might actually exist in this world

Kishibe kara mieta kimi wa
From the shore I saw you

Utushi e mitai ni mite ita n da yo ne
and it looked just like a beautiful painting

誰ひとり 何ひとつ 残らなくても
Dare hitori nani hitotsu nokoranakute mo
Even though no one and nothing was left

君がいてくれたから それだけで安心だった
kimi ga ite kurete kara sore dake de anshin datta
Because you were here I felt relieved

この世界で それなのにちゃんと伝えられなくて
Kono sekai de sore nano ni chanto tsutaeranakute
Even though I didn’t tell you properly

それなのにずっと 一緒だと思っていたの
sore nano ni zutto issho da to omotte ita no
I thought we would always be together in this world

明日と昨日 順番がかわり
Ashita to kinou junban ga kawari
If the order of tomorrow and today were changed

moshimo kyou no tsugi ga kinou nara
If tomorrow became yesterday

君にもういちど 会えるかな
kimi ni mou ichido aeru kana
Would I be able to meet you again

教えて 私が探したものを
Oshiete watashi ga sakushita mono wo
Tell me, what I looked for

Kimi ga sakushita mono wo
And what you looked for

Futari ga mitsuketa nani ka wo
If we found that, what could’ve been

果てしない 広がるこの海のように
Hateshinai hirogaru kono umi no you ni
Like this endless sea

すべて受け容れたなら 許し合えるはずなのに
Subete uke ireta nara yurushi aeru hazu na no ni
If we put our everything into it, would we be able to be together

この世界で 自分が思うより深く愛されて
Kono sekai de jibun ga omou yori fukaku aisarete
In this world, I'm deeply loved by you more than I thought,

自分が思うより 一人きりじゃないんだね
Jibun ga omou yori hitorikiri jya nai n da ne
I guess, I'm not alone after all.