Saturday, February 09, 2013

24 hours.


I know there's many who came by this page for past 48 hours.  I'll be sharing, insyaAllah as much as I can. One post couldn't fit it all. More to come.


After I moved to Kerteh in December, I haven't been back home in KL. The last time I saw ayah, was when I was admitted to the hospital during my training in Bangi (which I had in draft to be posted after the previous post). He came after I was diagnosed, and left right after I was warded.

The last time I saw him,

was.. when I was sick.

and ayah, came to visit, as a caring father.

 I know I shouldn't have regrets, but I had a terrible homesick last weekend and I was crying to my mom how much I want to just drive back to KL. CNY holiday was just around the corner, and I thought that I could just go back the weekend after.

 Wednesday (6th February) night was the first time I left office after Maghrib because of the new assigned workload. Excited to be heading back after work on Thursday, I went straight to Mesra Mall nearby to find myself in the bookstore, and saw children's book that reminds me of my sisters, when my phone vibrated..

"Mummy" CALLING.

The voice on the other side was my sister Nafhani (12 y/o), who immediately told me,

"Nadiah, ayah dah tak da.. ayah dah tak da.."
"Mami suruh balik sekarang jugak.. sekarang jugak!"

It felt like a deja-vu.

Why? Because I just heard those words less than 2 months ago before I left for Kerteh. My mom's father passed away in Kulim, Kedah and my aunty called to tell her that, the same way that my sister did. I remember my mom's reaction clearly in my mind.

As I walked out the book-store, I kept on muttering , "astaghfirullahaladzim..astaghfirullahaladzim..". I didn't cry. It was too unreal. It could just be a prank. But, it couldn't be. But, if it is true, then I guess the time has come for him. I tried calming myself down.  I called my aunties. They thought it was unreal too.

I called my best friend.

I started trembling. I was driving out of the mall, and talking on the phone when I realised that my fingers felt numb.

I told him to go straight to my house, because there were only my mom and the little girls at home. I know I couldn't talk to my mom just yet. I told my sister to call all the other brothers.

No. I had no idea what was going on at home.

Throughout my 10 minutes journey home, I didn't think of anything but to keep on my istighfar, until something came to my mind..

"Ayah didn't get to see her daughter get married,"

 I cried my heart out there and then. It definitely knocked me out of my senses. Tears running down my face like Niagra Falls, only to find that my house had a number of visitors who came for quran class.

 I told them I need to drive back, and soon after, my aunty called me telling me not to. The girls were supportive and everyone was comforting me. Some packed me sandwich and cook porridge for that they knew I've been having problems with my appetite lately. They arranged the bus ticket for me, and send me to the bus stop.  I took the 11pm bus from Kerteh that got me to Hentian Putra at about 4 a.m.

Two of my friends waited at the bus stop, after picking my twin brothers (17 y/o) from their boarding school all the way in Seremban at 1 a.m. My last brother, Nasuha (14 y/o) came in later at 5;30 am from Kelantan at the same bus stop. When we arrived at home, my sisters were sleeping on the floor and the others were sleeping on the couch.

All I see, was an empty mattress in the middle of the house.

My heart sunk. This might've been real. Stacks of "Tahlil & Surah Yasin" copies on the table, boxes of mineral waters, polystyrenes with Nasi Goreng..... they were too familiar. 

When I opened the bedroom door, my mom was sleeping on ayah's side of the bed.

The same sleeping position (she was hugging the long-pillow, which she never does because it has always been my dad's); with her tudung still on.


I didn't cry. 

I know have to be strong.

This will be a long journey; and the reality haven't hit me just yet.

The morning was filled with TV3's MHI showing the story about ayah's passing away. But the worst one was from Bernama Radio 24, because ayah always had morning sessions on the radio with them, and they felt a great impact of the loss. Mom sat right beside the radio, listening to the Djs talking about ayah and them having a doa read for him. She broke down immediately when they started playing Sudirman's "Salam Akhir". I had to tell her to get off the radio.

My friends accompanied me to the hospital the next morning, and we had to wait for the post-mortem that took about 2-3 hours. There were quite a number of people around. I recognised faces from my mom's office. I think they had a van from the ministry as well. Ayah's friends. Families from both sides. Akhwats from Majalah JOM, and medias.

I was moved to see them. It felt as if I'm in a great deal to have them visited me. I don't feel like I deserved it. Even Kak Lin came by with her kids, all the way from Bangi.

Waiting felt like forever.

I don't know how to react when people started to hug me and cried. I don't know if I should cry, but my tears were dropping down on its own. Even when the lady (K.Rina) from Bernama radio talked to me, I only talked to her about what happened. I wasn't really into the situation. Maybe I was trying hard to be strong.


Because my brothers look lost. All of them were. The first brother has been crying all night before I arrived. The second one stayed in the car. The third one sat with his friend. The twins and Nasuha just sat at the corner behind my mom. But the girls were running here and there with the other kids. My mom, obviously was in a great shock and looked liveless.

Until they brought ayah's body out to the "Bilik Mandi Mayat", I peeked into one of the doors, and saw ayah's head...

my heart ache. Reality was being too real.

All the boys were inside the room. I can see them faces, crying. Mom asked if I want to go in, but I'd rather go together with her.

They had ayah covered with kain batik.

Mom took the gayung, and pour the water onto his body; from head to toe. I was trembling hard when it was my turn. I cried. hard, once I touch ayah's body. I didn't see his face yet. We took turn, from me, to all of my siblings, to uncles, and 2 of ayah's friends.

Naim looked devastated, with tears.

Once they covered ayah with kain kapan, we were allowed to give ayah a kiss goodbye. Naim took the longest moment. If I could, I want to hug ayah and be embraced by him. I miss his warm hug the most. When I kissed ayah on both of his cheeks, his skin was really soft and cold. I can still remember that touch.  

Mom went out, and my aunties were calming her down. I came by and sat beside her. She started to hug me tight, and said, 

"Nak peluk ayah lagi... nak peluk tak nak lepas-lepas. Tak puas,"
"Mami rindu kat ayah.."

 My tears were unstoppable. 

 I said, "mami pegi la peluk lagi.."

I gave her my towel handkerchief, and she went back in.

Even Nafeesa was crying. Maybe because she saw my mom crying.