Sunday, October 04, 2015

One Year of Self Realisation.

Another year has passed. 
Another list of things to be thankful for. Another list of people to reply. 

"Thank you for the wish xoxo"

Since I've moved to a new place recently, I was expecting another usual day at the office. "Please let there be no one who knows my birthday is today". Turns out, that was exactly what happened on my birthday. 

Just another day of ageing. 

My best friend who used to call me every year on my birthday didn't give me that call anymore. He didn't even text to wish me. Har. 

Deep inside, being a year older means so much more. 

"Stop being a cry-baby", not that I am, but that is what I feel.

Remember what I said about doing to others what you would expect others to do to you? That was I learned exactly a year ago. Life is all about giving. But one year gets me to a new discovery. One can never give if they do not posses anything to be given. 

In the end, I lost myself in giving. 

I became to dependent on giving so much, making "self-appreciation" is a feeling that I ignore the most.  

My own feelings. To learn to love, and appreciate thyself more. To love what thy do best. To love to take time to explore thy possibilities.

Life, is not all about me-my-self-and-I,but you-yourself-and-you is the only thing you own until forever. 

I took sometime to buy myself some Japanese home-food ingredients. It was a bit expensive here, but as soon as I made some, it brought me to a feeling that I was very used to. My-self. My own cooking. 

To be honest, I never learn how to cook before I took off to Japan. My first dish was a chicken curry that I had to read every line of how-to-steps at the back of the Adabi's 1kg packet in order to make one. I failed miserably. I created the infamous "Nadiah's Kari Sabun", because I accidentally poured a bottle of soap water that I was rinsing earlier when I was cleaning the kitchen into the curry pot. I was, clumsy. 

I decided that, I rather cook something familiar. 

That's when I started to learn Japanese home-food. It was very easy to do. I didn't have to menumis (which I am still learning until now). All I had to do was boil, steam, bake and sometimes stir-fry. I love tempura, but I rather have a tempura-party and eat with friends rather than making a one-person portion. 

I, cook for one.

For a-long 5 years and a half of staying in Japan, I stayed on my own (I won't forget how blessed I am with my batch-mates and senior's companion). As soon as I woke up, I'd cook some rice, take bath, and pray. My breakfast was a complete set of  raw egg on top of the hot rice, nattou (japanese style fermented soybeans), seaweed soup, and grilled salmon slice. That was, me. 

Whenever I got really hungry, I'd text my senior and told her how lovely it'd be to have steamed hot rice with raw egg and nattou. I'd get home and make one, asap.

Whenever I get lonely, I'll get someone to talk to me. Anyone, a stranger,a cat, and of course, God. 

Whenever I want something, I will get it. I no longer second-question myself of what I want. I highly believe that what I want is good for me. I hope I'm wiser enough to make the right decision. 

Whenever I want to feel good, I treat myself to a soul-searching journey. Go places. I might be going to the same place over and over again but I know I will feel much better after a a swim in the ocean with the corals and the fishes.

Now I realized that, I need that thing that gets me back to being me. Give my self a chance at what I love the most. I, have learned to say thank you to my self. Have you done that before?

This, is new to me. Well, I just turned 27. Life is a journey.

I need to learn me, love me before I expect anyone else to. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015


Today marks the day where I seek some peace from the social media, from people who harms me internally, and externally. 

I don't really know how to put the situation into words. Maybe deep inside I'm a pure introvert, or I just have a terrible anxiety issue that I didn't know of. I get over sensitive when it was actually only me. I might have hurt others with my words, thinking I'm the victim.

Maybe what I'll be writing here could be used against me in the future. You know what they said, never put your personal feelings online, for the public to judge you. Or maybe, someone out there is feeling exactly the same where you just want to be heard, and share the same anxiety. I don't know.


It has been a terrible long time since I last travel on my own. Going on journeys that I get to tell myself, "Nadiah, you might die  soon, buckle up,". Journeys that I know there's only me, and I only rely on God to help me out. Journeys that I thought was a dead end but gets me to a wonderful findings. Journeys that I don't know where's my next stop, yet not once I felt scared nor lost. Journeys that I keep on finding ways to say hi and make friends with strangers, and go for short trips together. I never wrote anything about that.

That's what I call real. traveling. I kept it to myself. The only souvenir I got was the currency itself, and a postcard I've sent back home. 

I'm never the same person, everytime.

I've lost my way now.

I feel lost trying to fit in to what's normal. I feel extremely lagged and anxious as if my time should have come now. Now. Why hasn't it arrived yet? What's wrong with me? Why am I not normal? 

You know exactly what this is all about.

I used to write about this years ago. Then, it felt like it was the right time. Now it feels like, I've missed the right time. God knows better, we can only plan. All I can do now is to be a better person each and everyday. Yes, I have to admit that I've lost my way. Really lost it.

As empty as a dead can in the African dessert being tossed out by the Mat Salleh tourist on a jeep. Used, and meaningless. That's how hard that quarter life crisis can get to you. I'm not ashamed of it. It might be happening to most of us right now. Finding the obvious way back is the hardest thing to do. I keep on questioning how hard will I be tested, can I make it out as a winner, or I could just get lost in my own nafs and desires. It feels worse than traveling without a map. In the end, you don't even know what you want. 

My emotion became extremely dependent on texts from a person I never knew I would care so much about. I was like a zombie, following through each and every stage of the relationship so no one will get hurt. Whilst I kept things to my self, at least for a short while, I was too eager to know. why. what. when. how. You know it, truth are meant to hurt so bad.

A person who fakes about giving a damn to your feelings. A person who only wants to be cared about. With no intention whatsoever to commit to anything, at all. Yet wants you to always be around. I gave in to the situation though I knew the truth, the painful consequences. 

I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be the person who's always there to be the best-friend-for-life. 

I kept on giving, and I was emotionally drained. I didn't receive what I expected in a relationship, because it was never one in the first place. I was living a lie.

I've heard this before, "A beggar doesn't beg from another beggar". I know that one can only give love and attention to others by asking to be given from God,  not from another human being. But I forgot that, unless I was given, then I can only give.

I was in pain. I am still in that extreme pain where it gets really hard to breathe. It's the most painful thing I could ever imagined. I forced myself to stop, because I know it's for the best. It should never happen in the first place. I cry my heart out wondering that person still needs me. It was never about me. I was self-less, and now I couldn't find myself anymore. 

It's my worst case scenario. Who am I? What do I want?

I wanted something to heal this pain, pronto. I wanted to be selfish.

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning."

Friday, October 03, 2014

Meanings at 26.

We seek appreciation from strangers. As if all of our emotions and actions depends on them. On what they perceive  what we should be, according to their personal needs. On what they feel like saying, how they would act to our say and decisions.

We expect them to react to our own assumption. We crave for that acknowledgment. To feel belonged, to be a part of them, to be accepted. We try so hard to be understood, too hard, and fail miserably most of the time.  

Once we're no longer relevant. Once, they give us the cold shoulder, and treat us with less respect and dignity, our life shattered into pieces of broken soul and we desperately try to look for a reason; something, someone to blame. 

Life, is how you control your emotions. Pull yourself together and stop hanging on that delusional rope from those strangers that you think will make you whole. They won't. Most won't be there for you. Most won't even care, to give a second look at how you're really doing. 

Would they be bothered to ask..

How was your day?
How have you been? 
How do you feel?
Anything bothering you?
Anything I can help you with?
Are you alright?
Are you hurt? Where does it hurt?
Do you need a hug? 

Would they be bothered to say...

I'm here for you if you need anything.
It's okay. Everything will be alright.
You mean so much to me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.
I'm proud of you.
Happy Birthday. 

So it's a "Yes" or a "No" for you?

Once you accept yourself; your flaws, your past, your status, your background, your car, your house, your family.. Then there's not even an inch of requirement for you to feel like you're being left out, for you to want those strangers' words of  acknowledgement, and their approval for what you feel. 

Because you have already accepted yourself. 

Before you you even demand for someone to ask you those questions, and expect someone to show you how much they care, have you asked someone today..?

How was your day?
How have you been? 
How do you feel?
Anything bothering you?
Anything I can help you with?
Are you alright?
Are you hurt? Where does it hurt?
Do you need a hug? 

Have you said to someone..

I'm here for you if you need anything.
It's okay. Everything will be alright.
You mean so much to me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.
I'm proud of you.
Happy Birthday. 

Stop expecting. Start doing. 

If everyone is like us, and we're like them, then we'll be deserted human beings in wasted in emotions we shouldn't be feeling in the first place. 

Thank you for calling me. asking me how I've been.
Thank you for texting me, letting me know that you've remembered me.
Thank you for seeing me, and spend a bit of your time with me, knowing that I'm still worth hanging out with.
Thank you for great words of wisdom, giving me a sense of courage and hope.

Thank you for saying, "Happy Birthday", it means as much as the world to me.

Thanks Herline, for the cute photo. ;)

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Testimony of Faith (Umrah Ziarah Madinah 1)


It was a rather calm, 2:30am airport with all sorts of men wearing their ihram in white.

I see creepy people everywhere. I cringed. 

But in an instance, my mom's word of wisdom came slapping me.

"They believe in Allah, just like you." 


Seriously, I could swear there's this lady that exactly looks like the old witch in Snow White. =_="


Soon after that when I realized I couldn't find my envelope that contained SR1500 (= around RM1450). Nope, not found until now. Took out 400 riyal from mom's Al-Rajhi bank account and one of us get 100 each instead. Better than not having any.

To my amazement, 1.5 litre of water cost about 10riyal.. or maybe because I bought it in the middle of nowhere on our way to Madinah from Jeddah. Nearly 6 hours of bus ride reminded me of my bus trip from Los Angeles to Arizona when I travelled to The States about 2 years ago. Long desert road, with sun shining straight inside the bus, but bone chilling air as soon as you step out. 

Yes, I slept all the way. It was much more comfortable than the 6 hours flight from Dhaka, Bangladesh to Jeddah. Seriously.

Don't fly your own airline next time, United Airway. No wonder MAS always wins the best hospitality award. Though we should be thankful that both gets us where we want to go. *^^* astaghfirullah. 


We're staying at this place called Elyas where we share a room of 4 people and they provide us with breakfast, lunch, and dinner Alhamdulillah. The catering guy is an Indonesian and he said he's been here for about 3 years now. He's pretty much amazed that I'm a 25 years old and still not married. Lol. I told him I'm busy working as orang minyak, and he said, "Petamina??". Iya ngak lah. Hehe

Masjid Al-Nabawi

Since we arrived on a Friday, the guys went for solat Jumaat, which I think I should have followed them. The thing was, I have no idea where to go. Where's the masjid?? I couldn't find any map anywhere and the place was basically stranded since all the men left for prayers. 

By the sound of the adzan, it should be on the left side of the hotel. Little did I know that Masjid Nabawi is a super huge long stretch of a masjid, and I was facing the opposite side looking for it. As soon as turn to my right, I was awed by how magnificently beautiful the masjid is. MasyaAllah... =,)

They had the giant umbrella opened at that time after Zohor, and the sun rays was piercing through the gaps between them and people were sitting around at the courtyard outside of the masjid enjoying the cool breeze in the middle of the desert.

My first impression was, this place is extremely beautiful and CLEAN!

The cleaning ladies work non-stop since I was there at 1pm until 11pm. They vacuumed, mopped, took rounds of picking up small rubbish here and there, wiped the doors, sanitized the ablution area with Dettol! and of course, the toilets are super clean thanks to them. They kept the drinking area dry and top-up new zam-zam water with new cups. Word of the day should be CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN.

Even the men was wiping the gates when I exited the masjid. 

Oh. Most of the workers are Indonesian by the way. I salute them much for such a dedication to preserve the Prophet's Masjid. He was the best role model for cleanliness and they sure made him proud.


When they said you can't bring in handphones inside the Masjid, I guess it's not true.

Handphones are everywhere. They'll have your bag checked, but that's it. Don't go around taking photos like a tourist though. You're there to make your prayers and do'a.

Keep them in silent mode. That should be easy, but talk outside if you have to use them. Especially when you're talking in a foreign language, it's really annoying (at least to me, or I'll try to think that you're having a life-family crisis and I'll sympathize with you).=P

Solat Janazah

After each prayers, they'll have Solat Jenazah for those who passed away near the masjid. I was pretty much puzzled at first since they only did 4 takbir with one salam. Haha. Noob. I don't even memorize the Doa for that prayer, so I ended up only doing the takbir and salawat after the first takbir. 
It felt awkward. -_-, many I see didn't know that you only give a Salam once to your right. Not to your left. An Arabic lady told me that when she saw me giving Salam to my left. Ahaha. She also mentioned that you get a space of Jabr Uhud everytime you pray for the janazah.
Imagine to be doing it 5 times a day in Madinah!


The visiting time to Raudah for the ladies is after Zohor and after Isyak. I didn't know that until I walked back all the way to the lodging place, and the rest of the group asked me if I wanted to go. I was exhausted but I couldn't get into my room since I don't have the keys. I had no choice but to follow. Haha. No lah.

It seems like there's 3 stages of waiting ( this only applies to the women since the men can visit Raudhah 24 hours round).

1. Before entering the masjid.
2. Before entering Raudhah.
3. Inside Raudhah itself.

I thought I was already in Raudhah when I reached the middle entrance of the masjid. I was like, "Hey, I can even read Yasin and no one is stepping on my head. I guess some people need to plan their time to enter this place,". Man, I was wrong. After an hour or so, I decided to leave when I saw a huge crowd of 200-300 people gathering at another entrance which soon I realized, was the REAL RAUDHAH. That is where the start of the pushing war begun. 

There was a pool of Indonesian group sitting patiently waiting for their turn, and then came a wave of ladies in all black I believe to be a majority of non-Arabs swooshing the small ladies over and ran fanatically to the main entrance. Uh-oh. 

This is the stage 2 of waiting that I missed.

Once the previous group inside Raudhah is done, then they'll release this group from outside to pray inside the Raudhah. The thing is, people are pushing real hard and the Indonesians thought that I was one of them!! They told me to wait with them inside, at the back of the Raudhah, and let the others pray. The trick is to wait for them until they're done and quickly pick a spot right before they release another group from the outside. 

Ouch. That wasn't easy either.

You know why? Because everyone wants to pray on the GREEN CARPET. That is the "it" place to pray and the green area can only fit less than 10 saf, like a small surau. 300 people coming in at once and you think you can pray without anyone bumping into you, stepping on your head, or finding yourself inside someone else's clothes, think again. I had to pray twice because I couldn't do my last sujud since there's this lady who stand right in front of me and someone behind me is already stepping on my clothes. I WAS STUCK. 

I had to break my prayer, and leave for a spot right behind a guard stool near a small wall. I managed to get my 2 rakaats done, and before I got up from my extra sujud, someone sat on my head. I can't believe one day some stranger would be SITTING ON MY HEAD. 

Haha. Ouh well. I'm content on my own terms. 

InsyaAllah I'll visit Raudhah again, and try not having anyone step or sit on me. 

That was a whole first day. InsyaAllah I'll update more soon.