Pain.

Today marks the day where I seek some peace from the social media, from people who harms me internally, and externally. 

I don't really know how to put the situation into words. Maybe deep inside I'm a pure introvert, or I just have a terrible anxiety issue that I didn't know of. I get over sensitive when it was actually only me. I might have hurt others with my words, thinking I'm the victim.

Maybe what I'll be writing here could be used against me in the future. You know what they said, never put your personal feelings online, for the public to judge you. Or maybe, someone out there is feeling exactly the same where you just want to be heard, and share the same anxiety. I don't know.

Maybe.

It has been a terrible long time since I last travel on my own. Going on journeys that I get to tell myself, "Nadiah, you might die  soon, buckle up,". Journeys that I know there's only me, and I only rely on God to help me out. Journeys that I thought was a dead end but gets me to a wonderful findings. Journeys that I don't know where's my next stop, yet not once I felt scared nor lost. Journeys that I keep on finding ways to say hi and make friends with strangers, and go for short trips together. I never wrote anything about that.

That's what I call real. traveling. I kept it to myself. The only souvenir I got was the currency itself, and a postcard I've sent back home. 

I'm never the same person, everytime.

I've lost my way now.

I feel lost trying to fit in to what's normal. I feel extremely lagged and anxious as if my time should have come now. Now. Why hasn't it arrived yet? What's wrong with me? Why am I not normal? 

You know exactly what this is all about.

I used to write about this years ago. Then, it felt like it was the right time. Now it feels like, I've missed the right time. God knows better, we can only plan. All I can do now is to be a better person each and everyday. Yes, I have to admit that I've lost my way. Really lost it.

As empty as a dead can in the African dessert being tossed out by the Mat Salleh tourist on a jeep. Used, and meaningless. That's how hard that quarter life crisis can get to you. I'm not ashamed of it. It might be happening to most of us right now. Finding the obvious way back is the hardest thing to do. I keep on questioning how hard will I be tested, can I make it out as a winner, or I could just get lost in my own nafs and desires. It feels worse than traveling without a map. In the end, you don't even know what you want. 

My emotion became extremely dependent on texts from a person I never knew I would care so much about. I was like a zombie, following through each and every stage of the relationship so no one will get hurt. Whilst I kept things to my self, at least for a short while, I was too eager to know. why. what. when. how. You know it, truth are meant to hurt so bad.

A person who fakes about giving a damn to your feelings. A person who only wants to be cared about. With no intention whatsoever to commit to anything, at all. Yet wants you to always be around. I gave in to the situation though I knew the truth, the painful consequences. 

I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be the person who's always there to be the best-friend-for-life. 

I kept on giving, and I was emotionally drained. I didn't receive what I expected in a relationship, because it was never one in the first place. I was living a lie.

I've heard this before, "A beggar doesn't beg from another beggar". I know that one can only give love and attention to others by asking to be given from God,  not from another human being. But I forgot that, unless I was given, then I can only give.

I was in pain. I am still in that extreme pain where it gets really hard to breathe. It's the most painful thing I could ever imagined. I forced myself to stop, because I know it's for the best. It should never happen in the first place. I cry my heart out wondering that person still needs me. It was never about me. I was self-less, and now I couldn't find myself anymore. 

It's my worst case scenario. Who am I? What do I want?

I wanted something to heal this pain, pronto. I wanted to be selfish.

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning."

[40:55]