Thursday, December 08, 2011



I know I am being very ridiculous right now. That's just how things are, and I am not proud of it . After my trip to America, things get more complicated than what I thought it'd be. It turned out that it was "just another terrible mistake of mine" and more of "maybe I shouldn't have...,". No, I don't have any regrets. But why does it have to be like that? It's been a while since I actually have my own say in this blog. It feels like my freedom has been taken away from me, from what I'm thinking, to what I want to say. I was not being a hyprocrite. That's just how I am, and feelings change. People change, I change, so does my say. I kept it away in pictures, hoping that it will get to you, though I know I shouldn't put hope on that as well.

The heavy sky falls down on me when I heard those words, "You're no longer our priority". What was I back then?

Tell me how dissapointed you are with me, how much you're ashamed of what I've turned into.

Yes, Nadiah is being too emotional in her public blog. I have a private blog, and yes, a private twitter. What for? To say things I couldn't say without being judged. Being an adult is no fun, when you have to save yourself in a sinking boat, actually crying for help, deep inside your own head. Someone owns your, and I realize that all the things that I own are not even mine. Everything is actually a "convertable-loan", and that includes my life. Nothing is mine to even begin with, not even my say I supposed.

This has taken a great toll on my thesis . There's so many things to write, to say, and to share, but it seems that my body is not able to just sit down, and figure out what's wrong with me; what should I do with my thesis. It feels like I'm being chained-up, and I can't barely breathe for air.

ONE MORE WEEK till the deadline, and I am still here, looking at how much you didn't expect this from me, with that "you-shouldn't-have" face.

I miss home, but I don't even know where home is anymore.

Again, it's really ridiculous that I'm crying for I don't know what. I need to get this complicated-foolish-absurd feeling over with. I don't think I should try so hard to feel belong anymore. I am always, a traveller, just paying a visit, with no string attached whatsoever.

Please, Nadiah get on with the thesis. Nothing is impossible, you'll manage. You are stronger, sane, better than you think you are. Just get it over with. Let the heavy burden go, get away from it. You'll be on another journey just before you know it.

Thank god no one is around today. T-T (I look like a panda now)

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