Where Did I Go Right?

Exactly about a year ago I was in pain as what I wrote before.

I can't ever imagine that today, a year later I am in a greater pain. A pain that I never thought I'd experience this soon.

My first trimester.

As I shrieked in tears, and breathed heavily with my aching abdomen and my backbone piercing with so much ache on my single bed alone, I kept wondering if I shouldn't have transferred here in the first place.

Then I realized, "If I hadn't, I might not have been blessed with this pregnancy. I might not have gotten married to my husband".

I cried again.

I can't imagine if all mothers go through this pain. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to throw up so bad, as if all my system is coming out. Then I remembered my mother. Did she go through the same? Was my father besides her when she went through all this discomfort of a first child?

~~~~~~

We found out that we were pregnant the night before 1st Syawal this year.

For the first time I fasted for the whole of Ramadhan, and I was exhausted anticipating for my 'Ramadhan-break' due to my severe pre-mens pain.

"Soon", I guess. "Anytime soon,", since I always have my period on time though the pain is a little bit unbearable.

On the last day of Ramadhan, I knew I just have to get myself tested. There we go, our raya gift. I'd expected it, at least. The pain was abnormal.

~~~~~~

On the morning of our first Eid together, my husband posted a photo of us before we went for Eid prayer. Someone commented,

"Did someone got his button put on (by the new wife) this morning?"

Little did they know. I got my baju kurung and shawls matched with pins, ironed, and put on me. I just had to bathe, because I was feeling weak all morning. Throughout the week, he'll match my kurung with the shawls he bought, and have them ironed and laid for me.

I wonder, "Where did I go right?".

When I was having a high fever, on one of my trip over to Kelantan, he made sure to check my temperature all the time. Made me hot milk with ginger, made me spicy instant noodle that I've been craving (though I don't eat instant when I'm healthy), ensure (force!) me to drink a lot of water, rub my back to ease my discomfort and massage my legs. It reminds me of how my mom takes care of me when I'm down with fever. She would put wet towel on my forehead, wrap me up with a comforter so I'd sweat. She'd make me chicken porridge, and the pain of having a fever just went away with a good sleep.

I told my husband that, my mom rarely get sick because she's been eating healthily all her life.

Little did I know, my mom was having fever as well at the same time. While my head was pounding with pain, I cried for not being there for her and for not being the best for her. I felt that I don't deserve the treatment like a queen my husband is giving me.

I wonder again, "Where did I go right?".

~~~~~

Dear mom,

This very first stage of pregnancy taught me so much about you, more than I thought I knew for the past 28 years of my life. I am you. In your shoes, going through what you might have gone through. Wanting the very best for the child in you, regardless of what may come. Enduring so much pain, just to know that things will, insyaAllah go well. Hoping that this will somehow, clean-up my sins, make things better for my hereafter. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you. I can only pray that Allah will pay you with the best of the best in Jannah.

Dear husband,

Though I wanted to give so much, I ended up getting so much more from you. I expected to give you with the best treatment a wife can give regardless of all ups and downs because all my life, as I saw my mom giving her very best for us. I ended up getting the best from you. Where did I go right? How did I get you? How did we happen so fast? Allah gave us a miracle before our eyes, and that is the only gift I can give you. Thank you for your everything. Happy Birthday dear husband. I love you and I hope that Allah gives us the best protection and rizk in this dunia and akhirah.



 

One Year of Self Realisation.

Another year has passed. 

Another list of things to be thankful for. Another list of people to reply. 

"Thank you for the wish xoxo"

Since I've moved to a new place recently, I was expecting another usual day at the office. "Please let there be no one who knows my birthday is today". Turns out, that was exactly what happened on my birthday. 

Just another day of ageing. 

My best friend who used to call me every year on my birthday didn't give me that call anymore. He didn't even text to wish me. Har. 

Deep inside, being a year older means so much more. 

"Stop being a cry-baby", not that I am, but that is what I feel.

Remember what I said about doing to others what you would expect others to do to you? That was I learned exactly a year ago. Life is all about giving. But one year gets me to a new discovery. One can never give if they do not posses anything to be given. 

In the end, I lost myself in giving. 

I became to dependent on giving so much, making "self-appreciation" is a feeling that I ignore the most.  

My own feelings. To learn to love, and appreciate thyself more. To love what thy do best. To love to take time to explore thy possibilities.

Life, is not all about me-my-self-and-I,but you-yourself-and-you is the only thing you own until forever. 

I took sometime to buy myself some Japanese home-food ingredients. It was a bit expensive here, but as soon as I made some, it brought me to a feeling that I was very used to. My-self. My own cooking. 

To be honest, I never learn how to cook before I took off to Japan. My first dish was a chicken curry that I had to read every line of how-to-steps at the back of the Adabi's 1kg packet in order to make one. I failed miserably. I created the infamous "Nadiah's Kari Sabun", because I accidentally poured a bottle of soap water that I was rinsing earlier when I was cleaning the kitchen into the curry pot. I was, clumsy. 

I decided that, I rather cook something familiar. 

That's when I started to learn Japanese home-food. It was very easy to do. I didn't have to menumis (which I am still learning until now). All I had to do was boil, steam, bake and sometimes stir-fry. I love tempura, but I rather have a tempura-party and eat with friends rather than making a one-person portion. 

I, cook for one.

For a-long 5 years and a half of staying in Japan, I stayed on my own (I won't forget how blessed I am with my batch-mates and senior's companion). As soon as I woke up, I'd cook some rice, take bath, and pray. My breakfast was a complete set of  raw egg on top of the hot rice, nattou (japanese style fermented soybeans), seaweed soup, and grilled salmon slice. That was, me. 

Whenever I got really hungry, I'd text my senior and told her how lovely it'd be to have steamed hot rice with raw egg and nattou. I'd get home and make one, asap.

Whenever I get lonely, I'll get someone to talk to me. Anyone, a stranger,a cat, and of course, God. 

Whenever I want something, I will get it. I no longer second-question myself of what I want. I highly believe that what I want is good for me. I hope I'm wiser enough to make the right decision. 

Whenever I want to feel good, I treat myself to a soul-searching journey. Go places. I might be going to the same place over and over again but I know I will feel much better after a a swim in the ocean with the corals and the fishes.

Now I realized that, I need that thing that gets me back to being me. Give my self a chance at what I love the most. I, have learned to say thank you to my self. Have you done that before?

This, is new to me. Well, I just turned 27. Life is a journey.

I need to learn me, love me before I expect anyone else to. 

Pain.

Today marks the day where I seek some peace from the social media, from people who harms me internally, and externally. 

I don't really know how to put the situation into words. Maybe deep inside I'm a pure introvert, or I just have a terrible anxiety issue that I didn't know of. I get over sensitive when it was actually only me. I might have hurt others with my words, thinking I'm the victim.

Maybe what I'll be writing here could be used against me in the future. You know what they said, never put your personal feelings online, for the public to judge you. Or maybe, someone out there is feeling exactly the same where you just want to be heard, and share the same anxiety. I don't know.

Maybe.

It has been a terrible long time since I last travel on my own. Going on journeys that I get to tell myself, "Nadiah, you might die  soon, buckle up,". Journeys that I know there's only me, and I only rely on God to help me out. Journeys that I thought was a dead end but gets me to a wonderful findings. Journeys that I don't know where's my next stop, yet not once I felt scared nor lost. Journeys that I keep on finding ways to say hi and make friends with strangers, and go for short trips together. I never wrote anything about that.

That's what I call real. traveling. I kept it to myself. The only souvenir I got was the currency itself, and a postcard I've sent back home. 

I'm never the same person, everytime.

I've lost my way now.

I feel lost trying to fit in to what's normal. I feel extremely lagged and anxious as if my time should have come now. Now. Why hasn't it arrived yet? What's wrong with me? Why am I not normal? 

You know exactly what this is all about.

I used to write about this years ago. Then, it felt like it was the right time. Now it feels like, I've missed the right time. God knows better, we can only plan. All I can do now is to be a better person each and everyday. Yes, I have to admit that I've lost my way. Really lost it.

As empty as a dead can in the African dessert being tossed out by the Mat Salleh tourist on a jeep. Used, and meaningless. That's how hard that quarter life crisis can get to you. I'm not ashamed of it. It might be happening to most of us right now. Finding the obvious way back is the hardest thing to do. I keep on questioning how hard will I be tested, can I make it out as a winner, or I could just get lost in my own nafs and desires. It feels worse than traveling without a map. In the end, you don't even know what you want. 

My emotion became extremely dependent on texts from a person I never knew I would care so much about. I was like a zombie, following through each and every stage of the relationship so no one will get hurt. Whilst I kept things to my self, at least for a short while, I was too eager to know. why. what. when. how. You know it, truth are meant to hurt so bad.

A person who fakes about giving a damn to your feelings. A person who only wants to be cared about. With no intention whatsoever to commit to anything, at all. Yet wants you to always be around. I gave in to the situation though I knew the truth, the painful consequences. 

I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be the person who's always there to be the best-friend-for-life. 

I kept on giving, and I was emotionally drained. I didn't receive what I expected in a relationship, because it was never one in the first place. I was living a lie.

I've heard this before, "A beggar doesn't beg from another beggar". I know that one can only give love and attention to others by asking to be given from God,  not from another human being. But I forgot that, unless I was given, then I can only give.

I was in pain. I am still in that extreme pain where it gets really hard to breathe. It's the most painful thing I could ever imagined. I forced myself to stop, because I know it's for the best. It should never happen in the first place. I cry my heart out wondering that person still needs me. It was never about me. I was self-less, and now I couldn't find myself anymore. 

It's my worst case scenario. Who am I? What do I want?

I wanted something to heal this pain, pronto. I wanted to be selfish.

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning."

[40:55]

Meanings at 26.

We seek appreciation from strangers. As if all of our emotions and actions depends on them. On what they perceive  what we should be, according to their personal needs. On what they feel like saying, how they would act to our say and decisions.

We expect them to react to our own assumption. We crave for that acknowledgment. To feel belonged, to be a part of them, to be accepted. We try so hard to be understood, too hard, and fail miserably most of the time.  

Once we're no longer relevant. Once, they give us the cold shoulder, and treat us with less respect and dignity, our life shattered into pieces of broken soul and we desperately try to look for a reason; something, someone to blame. 

Life, is how you control your emotions. Pull yourself together and stop hanging on that delusional rope from those strangers that you think will make you whole. They won't. Most won't be there for you. Most won't even care, to give a second look at how you're really doing. 

Would they be bothered to ask..

How was your day?

How have you been? 

How do you feel?

Anything bothering you?

Anything I can help you with?

Are you alright?

Are you hurt? Where does it hurt?

Do you need a hug? 

Would they be bothered to say...

I'm here for you if you need anything.

It's okay. Everything will be alright.

You mean so much to me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.

I'm proud of you.

Congratulations.

Happy Birthday. 

So it's a "Yes" or a "No" for you?

Once you accept yourself; your flaws, your past, your status, your background, your car, your house, your family.. Then there's not even an inch of requirement for you to feel like you're being left out, for you to want those strangers' words of  acknowledgement, and their approval for what you feel. 

Because you have already accepted yourself. 

Before you you even demand for someone to ask you those questions, and expect someone to show you how much they care, have you asked someone today..?

How was your day?

How have you been? 

How do you feel?

Anything bothering you?

Anything I can help you with?

Are you alright?

Are you hurt? Where does it hurt?

Do you need a hug? 

Have you said to someone..

I'm here for you if you need anything.

It's okay. Everything will be alright.

You mean so much to me. I'm thankful to have you in my life.

I'm proud of you.

Congratulations.

Happy Birthday. 

Stop expecting. Start doing. 

If everyone is like us, and we're like them, then we'll be deserted human beings in wasted in emotions we shouldn't be feeling in the first place. 

Thank you for calling me. asking me how I've been.

Thank you for texting me, letting me know that you've remembered me.

Thank you for seeing me, and spend a bit of your time with me, knowing that I'm still worth hanging out with.

Thank you for great words of wisdom, giving me a sense of courage and hope.

Thank you for saying, "Happy Birthday", it means as much as the world to me.

Thanks Herline, for the cute photo. ;)